Imperfection
by Mr.Crouch'sDaughter
Summary: The real reason why Seven is dating Chakotay instead of Kathryn. 7/J, don't like, don't read.


Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, the characters etc. are owned by Paramount Pictures. I don't make any money with this.

Rating: PG-13

Author's Note: Seven and Chakotay?! Please! Why kiss the commander if you have a super hot captain? That's like filling water into a river.

**Imperfection**

He is imperfect. I have known that before, known that he would not fulfill my needs. His kisses are not remarkable, his embrace is incomplete and his whole near is just a shadow.

All he does is just a very weak copy of what I really long for, a weak attempt to raise desire in me. Yet, I do what he expects me to do. I act flattered in his near, I look at him with my best innocent blue eyed, blond girl, eyes. I say darling – though I hate it, I hate the word, it is so… pathetic – I sigh when he touches me, I moan when I know I should do.

He realizes nothing, of course. He still seems so overwhelmed that I chose him that he doesn't even have the slightest clue that I don't love him. I just need him to cover my own imperfection. When I am with him, I see the imperfection in him and know I am perfect to him. When I am with her, I have to face my own imperfection and see perfection in her.

She does not believe I am perfect. She does not flatter in my near, she does not sigh when I touch her arm slightly and she has never moaned my name.

And, what is worse, she has never thought of moan my name, dreamt I was with her in hot, sweaty sheets, naked, her hands in my blonde hair, messing it up. She has never wished to cry out my name out of desire.

I cried her name to myself in many, restless nights. I still do, when I am alone. When I moan with him, I have her picture in my mind. Those hips, those breasts… Sometimes I wish I could just drag her against the next wall and kiss her, let my fingers open her uniform…

It is useless. To her, I am just an exotic human. I am just interesting her scientist brain. She has tried to show me a little social life, but she has done it as a mentor, not as a lover. I have really tried to assimilate myself to her needs, but it was inefficient. I have suffered under it. My live with the borg showed me how to reach perfection in various skills, but I couldn't reach perfection for her. It is my worst defeat.

He is just a stopgap. I like to see his imperfection, I like to abuse the power I have about him. It makes me fill content to know that he sees in me what she doesn't see. And it makes me feel content to see her irritation about the change of things.

She surely never believed I would really date a member of the crew and to be honest, I didn't think I would date anyone except her. Yet, it was so easy to get him. I didn't need to assimilate myself to his needs, he did to mine. At first, I just did it to get her out of my head, but now that I have realized I will never, I want to irritate her, I want to see her hurt, I want her to lay in her bed and punish herself with thoughts of how I sleep with him, moan, call out for him.

Of course I know she doesn't. Suppression is maybe the greatest human skill.

* * *

Him. Of all she could have chosen, it had to be him. He doesn't even love her. He is just fascinated by beauty and she is probably the most beautiful woman in the whole universe.

He didn't even like her in the beginning. He didn't even think it was a good idea to take her with us. And she never paid any attention to him, never. I would have understood the doctor – she and him are very similar. Or Harry Kim – he is at least cute and honest. Or even Paris – he is a loyal man, though he doesn't show it.

But him? Can't she see that he isn't interested in her words? I see it, I have always. His interest in her stops when his eyes reach her breasts. It is disgusting. I want to vomit each time I see him stare at her or press his thick lips onto her beautiful, full mouth.

Anger fills me each time I have to see them together and sometimes I wish to simply shoot him and grab what is mine.

From the first day on, she had been mine. So hurt, so lost, yet so… strong. She is as restless as I am, always willing to learn, always searching something deeper.

I watched her experience her human roots, I watched her stumble and increase, I watched her way from a mistrusted drone to a fully accepted human.

And as I did, something in me opened up for her, something I had locked away our whole travel. She is so different. Strong and weak in one, intelligent and childish.

Yet, I couldn't say anything; I couldn't show her how much she meant for me. I have sworn to never touch a crew member and touch her… I didn't dare to. What if I would have frightened her off? She had so less experience in love, I feared she would either hate me or just bent before my captain state.

Now I know I was wrong. She is just not interested in the captain. She is more interested in the commander.

God, I want to shoot her. Each night I know she is with him (I ask the computer for her whereabouts) I torture myself with thoughts. I see him grabbing for her beautiful hair, I see his eager fingers under her clothes, his teeth at her breasts… It is a nightmare.

I was her favorite. She was lying onto my couch, and not in his bed.

Maybe it is just what you get if you love a borg drone. She holds a mirror to my face and all I see is imperfection. I was perfect enough as mentor, sometimes as a captain, but as a lover, I was obviously an unthinkable choice.

I wish I could change this. I would have done everything for it.

It is too late. She is his now.

by Mr. Crouch's Daughter


End file.
